13 of November of 2016, for me, Cláudio Souza 22 years of life with HIV
A lot of people were born on this date and if you who are reading me now have been born on this very day stop and think, "How much has I lived since I was born?"!
And you will certainly remember, at some point, having the desire to be 18 years old and not be a "minor" to be able, for example, to enter a hotel with that special person, who probably would not have been the first, but ... , but it was the first achievement you did after being “Consecrated Man”!
Then think about me. But not with the eyes of pity, because pity is the worst feeling that anyone can feel for me, especially if I notice it ...
Look at me with the eyes of reason and see that I stopped counting pneumonia when I was about the eighth and that I had pneumocystosis, pneumonia caused by a particularly aggressive etiologic agent and, as a general rule, kills in three days; and in spite of that, I survived!
In the list of incidents that I had with my health for a diagnosis of thrombus pulmonary embolism repetition (I had two), a heart attack, two meningitis, one caused by cryptococcus, another truly aggressive etiological agent and, despite it all, I I'm still here writing.
But this is nothing. When I was diagnosed, I was a DJ and had an electronic calendar with over three hundred contacts and, to be honest, I think I called about twenty of them and when the responses started to become repetitive I realized that it would be useless to waste time and call this “bid to try to find help”.
I went back to the streets at the age of thirty; and I say I came back because, from twelve to seventeen and a little bit, I was a homeless person. But that was already contact and just look in the testimonials session (positive stories (sic)) and look for Cláudio Souza. I think it is just Claudio or Claudius (name of emperor) and synonymous with “the lame”. Yeah, I know, I screwed up a lot… 🙁
There is also the important detail to be reported here:
Probably in March, on a date not yet determined, the book of my memories (or the publishable part of it) entitled: Memories of a Man of the Night will be released, which is a different version from that given by the women of the night (...) and, perhaps, as talkative as theirs… (…)…
"Friends that time" there was only one, which only speaks to me when I call, and since the cost of the call is the same, there must be some reciprocity, there is not and I get months and months without calling him.
A friend, Elisabete Castro, -Bete, look for me ... -, who managed, for me, a place in the Casa de Apoio Brenda Lee and there I was able, in three months, to regain my normal weight, from that time, which was 100KG. But the The atmosphere in the support house was terrible and, in order not to go crazy inside, since I couldn't go out to look for a job (I was a statistic that served to guarantee more money). If someone can explain to me how a corporal from the police, at that time, could have a Gol GTI 2.0, I will be very satisfied, because it was he who, after a series of “coups d'état”, had assumed the presidency of the house and then yes, it was awesome…
But, for me, it was not much, because I had to follow a person, Waldir, who was physically unable to care for themselves and, as they were small his needs, I always had time to help support the other patients, to give them some hope (I myself had not, there views the cocktail, as you like to call, had not been "invented"!
I made a lot of friends there and I remember a period of about a month when I didn't spend a single day without attending a funeral while thinking about when it would become mine… (…)…
He, the funeral has not yet come.
It is sure to come, but I do not worry about it.
Before I discovered that I was HIV-positive, I was, therefore, a kind of “emotional offender”, who spared no effort to win over a woman, even if that meant having to tell “some lie to her”…
That has changed. In the first thwack that I took with Dra. Guadalupe telling me I had to go to the CRT-A to make a confirmatory examination for HIV, because my first test gave positive.
I have since undergone an immense intimate makeover and would dare to say, of myself, now, that I am a better person and especially now, that I found an analyst who was even able to help me recover things that my conscience had hidden from me for not being able to deal with them, Maíra. Yes, I am impatient, sometimes hard on words and, in certain situations, my speech is more like that of a longshoreman at Santos pier, than that of a person who, while living on the street, for the first time, sometimes I had nothing to eat to buy a book, read it, get money for another. Read it and exchange it for a third party, and so on, I was instructing myself, in the midst of the savagery of the streets, where, many times, I ate trash from MC Donalds…
This is not part of this story, but I, after having passed by both houses of support, convinced me that there would be no support from home for me and went to the streets.
I picked cardboard, pulled those carts, I had to choose between eating or sleeping, but I started doing mine. One day I had R $ 15,00 in my pocket, I went to the Pajé gallery, bought ten of those virtual pets, talked to someone, and she released me to work on that street and I went.
I shouted: "Look at the virtual pet to five real"!
And it sold like water. Soon I was able to rent a room in a boarding house, and some time I was living in a house there in Jardim Maria Dirce in Guarulhos. I met a person who, in theory, would have accepted my condition, "for loving me" and I saw that was not the case on the day when she said:
- "That shit doencinha this you have!"
And I thought, "What woman garbage I arranged for me!"
I had met her in a nightclub and at the beginning I feared for the future of that relationship, and even so, I tried everything I could, I even moved to her home city, in the interior of São Paulo and, in time, I saw that the relationship would not progress after fights and fights, I got tired, and one day, at a time when I was not even in the same bed with her, I woke up, and I remember, it was a Saturday morning and I saw her sitting at table and said:
She did not answer and I was more assertive:
- "I said good morning"
And she left me with is:
-"HOW CAN I HAVE A GOOD DAY IF THE FIRST PERSON THAT I SEE IS YOU"?
I had already made the decision to separate myself from her and shot back to that ball volleying:
"Don't worry about it anymore, in less than a week there will be no more traces of my presence in your life"
Worsened the case because one of her family asked if such a thing (HIV positive) was real and the devil said he knew nothing.
I did go through scoundrel.
This only increased my anger and that same night I moved to São Paulo and spent time in a hotel, assisted by a person who held me in high esteem and, at some point, I limped and betrayed her trust. In my defense, in this respect, but I can only say that this person who supported me was also the primary cause of all the psychiatric imbalance in which I was kept and, on a crazy night ... I spent R $ 3.000,00 on girls from program, trying to project on any of these, the one that I, at the time, really loved …).
Finally, I returned to São Paulo.
There were other relationships, it is true, and unfortunately I made a mistake with a person and I would very much like to be able to know if he may have already reached the distance from the facts and that he saw that I was not centered (I was completely crazy, looking in dozens of women what I could never find, because each person is a person is a person and there is no other equal, with the exception of twins, and who did not see things clearly, that what I did on a night of insanity I would not do never if she was in her right mind and God knows what I lost with that, and that she forgave me! ... But I don't know if, someday, she will be able to see this and, if she did, I also believe that I will not be able to know ... (...) …
What I don't know if you know is the hole I was forced to go into, a kit of less than 30 square meters, with an almost triangular layout, where, despite having had good times, it was one of the worst places in which I I lived, including the streets…
Anyway, after a little more than a year of madness I decided to end it all, the madness in which I was starting to destroy myself, in an unpublishable context, I took my cell phone and called the person who, over 15 years ago , has been my friend, lover and companion; “An accomplice”
Can you come over today?
Today I can not.
So I risked everything and thought: Alea Jacta Est:
I told her I wanted to live with her, being a couple.
She asked my reverie was over I was adamant: Finished!
We talked on… cell phone for five or ten minutes maybe fifteen minutes! (It doesn't matter! I only remember losing track of time a week later we were living together! And that has been going on for almost fifteen years),
Here a short tribute
Mara T, M .: This song was the idealization of Juca Chaves. You did for me.
I love you today more than yesterday and, I'm sure, tomorrow, I will love you even more…
And I would not have been able to realize this so little I accomplish it, not out you !!!!!!!!!!!!