First and True Loves! Fools are those who consider them unforgettable! ... There are things in my life that I have no active memory of.
Those times that, even living in the streets, I found ways to date
Especially from the times I lived on the streets of São Paulo.
Well, it was a hard time and, according to a former psychiatrist, it is natural for blockades to form on things that we could not manage.
However, from time to time, a “trigger” fires something and I start to remember details, reminiscences and even entire events…
So, even now, as I write about it, I remember why this scar on my right hand….
Yes, no one could imagine the scene, the facts themselves, but this is something that I will not detail since it would make me blush….
I'm running a slow-moving project:
A Bad Sinado Book!
Yes, my memories, written to four hands with the support of Marcelle, who is making possible a dream!
And it was in a telephone conversation with her that this trigger fired and I remembered Vera
Vera and many other things.
The fact is that after approximately 4 years on the streets (12> 16) I had reached a high degree of sophistication for a street dweller.
The vacancies of the Pensions, People, São Ratoeiras
He made some nozzles in the municipal market and unloaded some trucks. This gave me a great physique for age.
And I surrendered some change; it was not much, it was not enough to rent a pension room. I'd give it to a spot.
But vacancies for day laborers are like mousetrap and I would rather sleep on the street, with my gang, than take some risks where the smallest would be to wake up and find yourself without shoes… I took a shower at the bus station, or paid for the bath in some farm hotel; some call girls washed my clothes in exchange for something, and I lived relatively well.
The Third District Vera, you have no idea !!!
He had some fights, last nights in districts (I was a habitue of the third district on Rua Aurora, always for investigation or vagrancy…. An action that was once mechanical and commonplace, an abuse of human rights, unthinkable today. , had some problems with living together and, naturally, did not escape the savagery of the streets.
A Toco, A Universe For Hunting
But he was almost always unharmed, and when he did not go out, the Holy House was very useful, despite the questions.
It was at this time, within this Fantastic Universe that I managed to create, enjoying ample freedom and a good appearance that I discovered a discotheque called Toco.
There in Vila Matilde where it was a parade-end of little patris and little maurices who could pay to enter.
But a lot of people stayed out, full house, high ticket, enjoying the night right there.
Excellent hunting ground I affirm.
And it was there that I met Vera, who is the scope of this piece of my memories.
Vera was five years older than me, and I honestly do not know how I got her. Actually she had to have infinite patience until I understood that, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, she wanted a kiss!
Six hundred thousand devils!
All I know is that she gave me the phone number, the school address, and her schedules.
In one week we started a torrid romance.
Basically sexual. A little talk, a lot of action, and to say almost everything, there was never a penetration of truth, even though I cried out to all the saints for it.
But it was great, delicious to be with Vera.
Only I had no idea myself.
He did not attribute to Vera the importance she deserved.
The truth is that I did not know it, that I did not understand much about feelings, and that a sad instruction, an unfortunate idea, that gave me to understand what was the pleasure of an orgasm, but that did not give me news of others feelings
Passion, love, desire, voluptuousness, lust, nothing has been said to me, and of course I have chosen the worst, for the worst is always more delicious.
It's like sugar for people with diabetes!
And we messed up. In those days, the term was "to give a mallet".
And we worked out well by the way ...
I'd stay with her from the start of the third class until the time of the last train. This was repeated for about a month.
Until the fateful day came:
Suddenly she asked me:
"Claudio, what are your intentions with me? "
What could I, with 16 years old, live on, respond as nothing they taught me!
But at the time I did not know and said, quite simply:
"I'm here, I like you."
You know young people that being here and liking you are not strong enough to cement a relationship.
It takes much more and the next day Vera moved away from me never to return.
Yesterday, I dreamed about her.
I dreamed that she was dressed in one of her skirts, beautiful, walking, leaving, never to return….
And in the dream I realized this, that she would never return, that I would no longer see her, that I would no longer kiss her, that I would no longer touch her, that I would never have her…. And this late awareness, recently acquired in sleep, brought me, in tears, to the vigil.
I got up, had a glass of wine, toasted Vera at three in the morning, and silently asked her to forgive me.
Forgive me for the broken dream.
I hope, Vera, with all my heart, that you have succeeded in finding something better and wiser than I and that he has given you the right answer, which in my time would be this:
"Vera, I'm young, and you do not know, but I live on the street.
I turn as I can and kill a lion a day so I can be here with you. You have been, for me, relief, port and mainstay, and somehow I feel that I begin to love you.
But, Vera, understand, I still can not promise you anything, for I have nothing and I lack all; do not miss me too, I beg of humility.
Vera, I could and I would have made you alive; and would form a family with children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren if we were to live for it; but, Vera, I can not promise you anything.
I can only ask.
Asking you not to go, not now, because you've only given me joy and happiness, even though I still don't understand these concepts well ...
So, Vera, I insist that you do not abandon me, please, and allow me to fight to try to accomplish everything! Yes Yes! All that I said I would like to do ...
Yes, Vera, yes, you can, with your simple presence, turn this street boy into a man and this man! And this man, “on the other hand, will certainly accomplish it as a woman”.
Life, sometimes Vera, is a prison, an aquarium! Or a trade, huh?
If I had said that maybe she would leave, maybe she would stay.
If I stayed, my life would have been different and I would not be here now, near the Horticultural Forest, writing at this time of night. Would be somewhere else, not concierge HIV, would not have known Gabi,
Cecilia (Cecilia, I'll love you for life, just like I told you on the phone a few days ago) e so many others.
But possibly she would have been happy with Vera. Even because, I was happy with her! Only, laughing laughter, I did not know. Yes, I was happy with her! Or not…!
The future-of-the-past-to-God belongs and we'll never know how it would be If it was not.
If you read me, Vera, and you can recognize yourself in this story, know that I kept you in my subconscious by 24 years and remembering you the sensation is of loss and mourning, as in almost everything in my life.
And sincerely, forgive me.
Immune Window, coming back, I, to the theme of the blog
You know, often this thing of immune window and fears it is mere guilt, and an immense shame!
I think, is the now, and right now, is that I understand the pains of the old, the old man, now, laughter, it's me!